21 of 40 – I want to scream…

…to rage against the heavens, my language and attitude born of hell. I want to curse the day, to use my ire to rend the sky, letting lighting strike, the thunder shaking the very core of this Earth’s foundations.

I want to abdicate responsibility, to treat others as they have treated me with not a thought given to karmic retribution.  To do evil unto others and still sleep soundly at night wrapped in the false righteousness of my actions.

I want to wish death’s visit to those who have trespassed against the world. To hear their tortured screams as they die slowly, painfully. To watch as no one cries tears at their passing, but instead burn effigies in celebration.

I want my dark side let loose.

But then I remember my beliefs. My hopes. My dreams. My teachings and lessons so very vigorously, and sometimes painfully, learned. I remember what it’s like to be the outcast, the victim, the one who was bullied. I remember the pain. The longing for salvation, compassion, acceptance, love.

And instead, I turn to my Light and I call it forth. In great waves I send it forth. I work to heal the atmosphere, to bring more fresh air and clean water into the world. I work to close the Earth’s fissures, to fight against those technologies that would tear our world apart. I wrap my darkness in LIGHT so I know what it feels like to be forgiven.

Then I turn off the news, stop listening to the radio, and avoid anything that has to do with the hate. At least I’m getting more writing done this way ;-).

Sending love and light,

Dana

17 of 40 – Light bulb…

giphy

Or an “ah ha” moment. Or an epiphany (we’ve had plenty of each on this blog).  Either way, this morning’s Morning Pages coupled with some questions from Terri Cole’s Love Revolution series (specifically the Secondary Gain work sheet)…

 

helped me to identify some key behaviors I need to stop doing. Yes, there was some “why” exploration involved, but it lead very quickly to how to “pull out the arrow” so to speak. You’ll remember that from this post, 11 of 40.

Anyway, since this worked for me, I thought I’d share it here, in hopes someone else found it useful.

Might I suggest:

  1. Watch the video
  2. Click to get the worksheet (you can unsubscribe after)
  3. Put each question at the top of a blank page
  4. Free write whatever comes up as you focus on the question

Might take a couple of runs – I’ve been doing Morning Pages now since late December and some things take me a couple of days or so of Pages to get to my truth; others have taken one and half pages, lol. This was a one and half pager so I’m thinking my Divinity really wanted me to get this lesson quickly so She shouted the answers at me instead of whispering.

Oh well, all I can do is point out the water. It’s up to you to decide to take a drink or not.

Sending love and light,

Dana

15 of 40 – The Eye of the Spider

Yeah…so, my “spirit animal” twice or thrice removed made a dramatic appearance this morning in the form of a web dive to the ground just in my peripheral vision as I was coming through a doorway at work. *shudder* It has been several months since the last “blessing” so I suppose I should be somewhat grateful they aren’t attempting to communicate as often as they were a couple years ago. Why oh why couldn’t my spirit guides send money instead? lol.  Oh wait, they do that as well, just not in super large denominations.

Oh well.

Sending love and light.

Dana

14 of 40 – For your information

In order:

  1. Do Unto Others by See, Seek, Find (Dina)
  2. POV by Stephanie Huesler
  3. FGM: What Can We Do by See, Seek, Find (Dina)

I wonder if you’ll connect dots the way I did between the three posts? I wonder if you will look around you and attempt to see things, people, situations, in perspectives that are outside your own?

I wonder if you’ll actively seek to treat people you directly and indirectly come in contact with in ways that more closely resemble how you’d want to be treated? I wonder if you’ll pause to assess situations with a different set of criteria? I wonder if you’ll find this or other US based atrocities worth acting out against?

I wonder if humans are able to stop hurting each other based on their sense of lack, fear, of there not being enough to go around; killing and maiming, selling each other, torturing each other for money, the perception of power…

I wonder.

With love, light, and ACTION

Dana

12 of 40 – Do you trust me?

Go here.

I’ve really wandered loose, eh?  What has it been, three days in a row of no posts? I wish I could say it was because I was knee deep in my Camp NaNo project or neck deep in editing AT and TOW but alas, I was lost in my own head, swimming through life such as it is right now, trying not to drown in the depression that comes with being exposed to the news.

Random:

Non-fiction – essays if you will. I write them in my head often. I picture myself giving these impassioned speeches about personal responsibility, self-love, God and religion; I imagine giving impromptu TED talks about acceptance, abundance, and karma. The words are powerful, the ideas expressed are mind opening. But rarely do these words find their way to page or being spoken. Apparently I can only imagine reality, while fantasy must be documented at any cost.  Or is it I have confidence in my fiction and none in my fact? Could be I’m not all that pressed to force my beliefs on others, but I’ll damn sure beat you over the head with my latest novel. LOL.  I’m funny.

More random still:

Lesson revealed in this morning’s Morning Pages (trust me? click it):  Different doesn’t mean wrong. Authentic means truth but doesn’t mean absolute right.  Make sense? I’ll let you interpret that. I know what it means, to me :-). And there’s room in my world for your definition, just might not be my truth. See what I’m doing here?

Sigh. What am I really doing here?

Have a wonderful day.

Love you,

Dana

11 of 40 – At a Loss

“If thine own eye offends thee, pluck it out.”  As spoken by Roddy McDowell in the classic film, The Legend of Hell House.

Anyway, the idea behind the quote today is that there are a couple of behaviors I have that block me from my goals, from my desires. I’m sure you have one or two as well. I’ve been so frustrated lately (especially since Mercury went retrograde on Sunday and I looked up the astrological meanings behind the small note pre-printed in my planner; the power of suggestion y’all…the struggle is real. ahem…) about WHY.  WHY do I behave this way? WHY do I allow myself to block my own blessings – so to speak.  WHY? WHY?! WHY??!!!

I remember the gist of an excerpt from a book I don’t remember that goes like this, “People will be shot by an arrow and will then suffer in pain wondering why they were shot. When what they really should be focused on is removing the arrow.”

I get mired in trying to find out why – why did he dump me? Why is she acting like that towards me? Why am I stuck in this job? Why, why…why do people have to die? Why am I afraid? Why is he such an @#$hole? Why do people hate so easily? Why do people kill other’s before committing suicide? It’s a maze without end.

It struck me this morning to stop with the questions and get on with the removal. I doubt that I’ll ever understand the why when it comes to other’s behavior, let alone figure out all the twists and turns in my own. Best then to focus on the removal – at least as far as I’m concerned. These behaviors offend me, this situation causes me pain, this no longer provides any benefit…there fore, I must “pluck them out.”  I must remove the arrows.

So, yeah. That’s it. That’s all I have for today’s commitment to 40 days of consistent blogging.   Sending you love and light!

Dana

10 of 40 – One Step Closer to 50

Sigh. I am on the edge of 50.  I remember as a kid imagining what I’d be like at 21, but beyond that, I don’t think I built any kind of fantasies, goals, or images of life beyond that golden age.

Yet, here I sit (much to my health’s dismay), twenty-eight years / sixty pounds / 20+% body fat, beyond 21 wondering what I’m “supposed” to be, how I’m “supposed” to look and feel.

My body has done some weird thing where it hurts now at the slightest provocation. If I sit “too long” I swell, my back and hips hurt; if I move anything heavier than a dinner plate, my neck, shoulders, arms, back, and hips will hurt within minutes. I have bruises that won’t fade – my skin looks mottled and feels dry most of the time. I wonder sometimes if I’m part lizard. I’ve already mentioned the hair loss. That seems to have reached its peak this year and I am, for all intents and purposes bald, save for that lingering, lustrous one inch line of hair along the back of my head from ear to ear (WTF?!).

this guy
Like this guy. For real. I kid you not. This is very similar to what my hair line is like as I type this.

And about those feelings? My likes and dislikes, my sense of adventure…all of that seems to have changed without my conscious consent or any effort on my part. Dancing till dawn, riding roller coasters, road trips, cruises, going for walks just because, mall crawling / shopping for clothes – all of what I used to do for fun and relaxation? Meh. I’m not moved by any of it any more.

I don’t know who I am.

The one constant is the writing though. I am so thankful that hasn’t changed. Putting words to page is still how I process, how I think. How I breathe. But, given all that I’ve mentioned above, I’m afraid my passion for the written word is changing and like those things mentioned above, I won’t notice it until it’s so different it will be rendered unrecognizable to me.

I can see why women back in the day were sometimes thought to have gone insane in their later years. This is enough to drive anyone to the brink of insanity. Oh well, at least for me it’ll be a short trip. I’ve lost myself several times through out the years. Guess I won’t complain – even though I’ve taken this trip before, I’m traveling an unfamiliar route. Might as well enjoy the scenery. Here’s hoping the return brings me back to someplace I’ll enjoy.

Love you!

Dana

9 of 40 – Let Someone Else’s Words…

move us ALL.

I write because I struggle to speak my truth. Want to know what I’m going through, how I see the world? Read my writing.

And on the flip side, words can bring understanding. Are you afraid of “them”…bet if you took a minute you’d find common ground and way less reason to fear and hate.

LISTEN TO / READ / SPEAK THE WORDS.  Seek out what’s not being said in yourself and in others.

I love you.

Dana