21 of 40 – I want to scream…

…to rage against the heavens, my language and attitude born of hell. I want to curse the day, to use my ire to rend the sky, letting lighting strike, the thunder shaking the very core of this Earth’s foundations.

I want to abdicate responsibility, to treat others as they have treated me with not a thought given to karmic retribution.  To do evil unto others and still sleep soundly at night wrapped in the false righteousness of my actions.

I want to wish death’s visit to those who have trespassed against the world. To hear their tortured screams as they die slowly, painfully. To watch as no one cries tears at their passing, but instead burn effigies in celebration.

I want my dark side let loose.

But then I remember my beliefs. My hopes. My dreams. My teachings and lessons so very vigorously, and sometimes painfully, learned. I remember what it’s like to be the outcast, the victim, the one who was bullied. I remember the pain. The longing for salvation, compassion, acceptance, love.

And instead, I turn to my Light and I call it forth. In great waves I send it forth. I work to heal the atmosphere, to bring more fresh air and clean water into the world. I work to close the Earth’s fissures, to fight against those technologies that would tear our world apart. I wrap my darkness in LIGHT so I know what it feels like to be forgiven.

Then I turn off the news, stop listening to the radio, and avoid anything that has to do with the hate. At least I’m getting more writing done this way ;-).

Sending love and light,

Dana

17 of 40 – Light bulb…

giphy

Or an “ah ha” moment. Or an epiphany (we’ve had plenty of each on this blog).  Either way, this morning’s Morning Pages coupled with some questions from Terri Cole’s Love Revolution series (specifically the Secondary Gain work sheet)…

 

helped me to identify some key behaviors I need to stop doing. Yes, there was some “why” exploration involved, but it lead very quickly to how to “pull out the arrow” so to speak. You’ll remember that from this post, 11 of 40.

Anyway, since this worked for me, I thought I’d share it here, in hopes someone else found it useful.

Might I suggest:

  1. Watch the video
  2. Click to get the worksheet (you can unsubscribe after)
  3. Put each question at the top of a blank page
  4. Free write whatever comes up as you focus on the question

Might take a couple of runs – I’ve been doing Morning Pages now since late December and some things take me a couple of days or so of Pages to get to my truth; others have taken one and half pages, lol. This was a one and half pager so I’m thinking my Divinity really wanted me to get this lesson quickly so She shouted the answers at me instead of whispering.

Oh well, all I can do is point out the water. It’s up to you to decide to take a drink or not.

Sending love and light,

Dana

12 of 40 – Do you trust me?

Go here.

I’ve really wandered loose, eh?  What has it been, three days in a row of no posts? I wish I could say it was because I was knee deep in my Camp NaNo project or neck deep in editing AT and TOW but alas, I was lost in my own head, swimming through life such as it is right now, trying not to drown in the depression that comes with being exposed to the news.

Random:

Non-fiction – essays if you will. I write them in my head often. I picture myself giving these impassioned speeches about personal responsibility, self-love, God and religion; I imagine giving impromptu TED talks about acceptance, abundance, and karma. The words are powerful, the ideas expressed are mind opening. But rarely do these words find their way to page or being spoken. Apparently I can only imagine reality, while fantasy must be documented at any cost.  Or is it I have confidence in my fiction and none in my fact? Could be I’m not all that pressed to force my beliefs on others, but I’ll damn sure beat you over the head with my latest novel. LOL.  I’m funny.

More random still:

Lesson revealed in this morning’s Morning Pages (trust me? click it):  Different doesn’t mean wrong. Authentic means truth but doesn’t mean absolute right.  Make sense? I’ll let you interpret that. I know what it means, to me :-). And there’s room in my world for your definition, just might not be my truth. See what I’m doing here?

Sigh. What am I really doing here?

Have a wonderful day.

Love you,

Dana

Don’t know if I can do 40

Good friend of mine is doing a 40 day blog post deal as a way to rekindle her writing fire. I follow the Artist’s Way and do three hand written pages in the mornings -most often right after I wake up, but always before 9:30 am.  Feels more genuine if I stick to a deadline.

Anyway, with Camp NaNo just around the corner and my commitment to being a professional novelist for the rest of my life, I am all about the writing so, while I may not make 40 posts in a row, I will show my support of my friend’s efforts and begin putting energy into posting more often.

Starting tomorrow, lol.

Yes, I’m putting off till tomorrow what I can do today.  Oh wait. Maybe not. I mean, I’m posting this today, so technically I guess this counts.  Cool.  So yeah, fist pump – I’m in with post #1 :-).

You’ll want to check out my friend’s blog: See. Seek. Find.

Now, I’m off to work on post #2.  Oh, and an idea for post #3 just popped into my head. Heeeyyyy, there may be something to this commitment to writing thing after all.   Thanks Dina!

Love,

Dana

 

Random…

Camp NaNoWriMo – I have a Nowata Press cabin set up for anyone who’d like to join.  Look for me or the cabin and send a note.  I’m Satin Sheet Diva in my NaNo world as well.

Listening to the audio of the most recent Desire Map workbook by Danielle LaPorte and what do you know, she quoted a comment I’d submitted from the first time I Desire Mapped.  I almost drove off the road. To hear my name spoken, my comments repeated by someone I’m fangirling over was just, WOW.  I’m all tingly.  If you haven’t checked her out, she’s fast becoming the only person I’m going to listen for when it comes to spiritual growth.

What I’m telling you next is purely because I want outside validation – won’t matter if no one chimes in because I’m going to do what I want to do with or without the outside deal, but I’m learning to tell my truth out loud and the truth is, I still crave outside validation. Go figure. An introvert who craves group buy in. (shakes head).  Whatever.  I’m going to release this idea of what I “should” be doing with my money and instead, do with it what’s going to make me FEEL relief, less stress, and way less guilt. I’m going to dump everything toward my debt for the month of April.  No shoes, no $40 – $50 happy hour tabs, or dinners out when there’s plenty of food in the frig. I HATE owing money. HATE it. I was debt free except my student loans about two years ago, but I put myself right back in just over my head when I decided I wanted a wedding versus a small dinner party after a quick ceremony at the courthouse. Sigh. But what’s done is done and I’m done kicking myself over the juggling act that ensued as I incurred more debt when I moved, more debt when my husband moved, more debt when my daughter needed help with tuition, more debt when I got the notice that I still owed taxes from years ago, more debt when I got the notice that no, I hadn’t paid that parking ticket.  SIGH!!!

I HATE THE WAY DEBT MAKES ME FEEL.  So, I’m DOING something about it. ‘Nuff said.

Good grief – WordPress has flipped the script yet again.  What really is so wrong with leaving my buttons and such WHERE THEY WERE?!! What’s with this constant updating of everything? It doesn’t make it better just different and sometimes, different is not needed. I promise. Ugh.

So, what’s good in your life right now? Maybe if you focused on that, more of it would show up. Just a thought.

Love you!

Dana

 

Will you make this the year you…

finish that manuscript?

The last name and the website address may have changed, but the foundation of how to go about writing your first manuscript has not.

Mark your calendars to join me, Dana Ellington at my 7th Annual Writer’s Workshop held at the Blair-Caldwell African-American Research Library, 2401 Welton Street, Denver, CO.

This year, I’m presenting an updated version of last year’s popular: How to Write and Publish a Novel in 6 Months!

I’ll share the tips, tricks, and tools you’ll need to write, edit, and publish a full length novel by the end of this year. You’ll also hear from a past attendee who successfully followed the program and published her first novel!

This 90-minute session is great for writers 16 years old and up and can be applied to any genre, of writing, fiction or non.

So, if you want to finally get that novel from blank page to published, join me and my guest author, Monday, May 1, 2017 – 6:00 PM to 7:30 PM.

It’s Not That I Don’t Care…

Or that I’m not interested. It’s that it’s all still too much to take in. The never ending hate; the underlying fear that his shenanigans will trigger a nuclear World War III that will surely be the end of us all.

I continue to BE the love, respect, acceptance, and common sense I seek in what laughingly passes as our nation’s leadership at this point.

I speak up, speak out, and stand firm in my belief that there is some amazing good that will come from all of this.

And from my mom…

Subject: Fwd: here’s a promising way to help the activist fight

Since Paul Ryan has blocked his office phones and fax numbers, and is turning away people who show up to deliver petitions, it’s time to change tactics.
Please mail post cards to his home address saying NO to defunding Planned Parenthood, NO to repealing the ACA, NO to privatizing Medicare

and NO to preventing Muslims from entering our country

! (I’m sending one card for each.)Please copy and paste this info and share. Let’s see what 67 million cards in the driveway looks like!

Paul Ryan
700 St. Lawrence Ave.
Janesville, WI  53545
So yeah, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I care too much and am stuck in the suffering part which for me, has me withdrawing as a means of protecting my psyche. I’m working now to overcome that part so I can function and keep moving forward; so I can apply my creativity to solutions.

Why Empathy is a Bad Thing

I care. I care deeply for ALL of us who are affected by the bullshit decisions our so called leaders (and this is across the board – look at the number of governments that promote greed, subjugation, segregation, slavery, hate, fear, and war as a means of “governing”) make on a daily basis. Make no bones about it – they won’t be the ones going to war, dying for a (pardon the pun here) trumped up cause (I’m finding it funny that trump in this case means FAKE), or being blown-up by terrorist bombs at innocent sporting events.
So yeah, I fucking care. I’m just not one to cry in public so excuse me if I come across as naive, or as if I’m burying my head in the sand in hopes of avoiding the ugliness. Believe me, I am far from being oblivious.
Stand strong loves. We are in for one hell of a dark ride.
I. LOVE. YOU.
Dana

Dear Me,

(I’m on week five of The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. This is what came from yesterday’s Morning Pages.)

Epiphany – the sudden clarity of thought that exposes the deeper truth. I have epiphanies as I’m sure you do as well. You may have been wrestling with a problem, a decision that had to be made but each solution or choice didn’t FEEL like the truth until one moment, a light bulb came on and suddenly, your path was clearly lit.

Why did I stop publishing my work? Why did I stop working on my existing manuscripts? Why wasn’t I excited to look for opportunities to do readings, to schedule workshops? Why had my annual sojourn to the MileHi stopped inducing that giddy feeling of anticipation or excitement? Why was I feeling blocked, cut off from my passion? Why was I procrastinating on or avoiding altogether the few activities I knew would move me toward some long standing, positive, goals?

Epiphany – because my efforts to that point hadn’t resulted in what I deemed to be other’s show of acceptance, love, or admiration that ultimately was what I was seeking. I wanted my books to garner lots of fans to the point where they’d help me market my work, they’d talk about and share my books to the point where word of mouth would sell my books (allowing me to hide); I would be invited to speak to groups, asked to conduct workshops (allowing me to hide). I’d be featured here and there, gaining some level of notoriety which would then “prove” to my dad that he was wrong for not spending more time with me, for not telling me he loved me, or thought I was beautiful. I would prove to the bullies and ex-boyfriends that they were wrong for calling me ugly names, teasing me, excluding me, using me, molesting or hitting me. I would show them all that I am worthy!

I mean, look at all the people who buy my books, and listen to me when I do readings, or attend my workshops.  If all of that outside attention didn’t prove it then what would?

Well, that’s not how things work out. My workshops where hit and miss with attendance, so I lost my enthusiasm for them. My first book sold relatively well despite its issues, my next two books did okay, but I was losing my motivation to keep marketing the way I had been. I didn’t realize it at the time but hindsight, I wasn’t getting the response I wanted / craved, so I’d begun to retreat. The fourth book didn’t do as well as I’d hoped but by then, I’d stopped actively marketing my work. It felt too much like begging by then. My unrealistic expectation that  other’s reactions to my books / workshops / coaching  would “make” me worthy, wore me down. Each failure to sell, to raise the money, to save the money, to meet the deadline, to have people show up, highlighted (the lie) that I wasn’t worthy after all. I rushed into this or that scheme, plan, idea, in hopes that it would be The ONE.  Each time I fell short, not taking the time to realize the level of fantasy my expectation had reached was never going to be met by reality.

So, what did I do. I blocked. I stopped writing; stopped going out; stopped taking my walking breaks; I stopped doing anything that would allow the voice of my Muse and my Divinity to be heard. They told the truth, They exposed the fantasy.  They put the responsibility for my life back where it belonged (in my hands) and I didn’t want the responsibility. I wanted to blame my dad, the bullies, the folks who didn’t think my writing was the bomb. I filled up my time with activities that didn’t do squat to move me toward my desired feelings (that ultimately are my responsibility to generate). I spent hours watching YouTube videos, hours doing spreads in my BuJo that ultimately I ignored no sooner than they were done. I kept up the schemes and plans – throwing parties I knew wouldn’t be well attended; fitness challenges, the wedding, my Count Down to 50 and its accompanying group-site and list of activities NO ONE kept up with, including myself. I did any and everything to maintain that damn lie. To be unreliable, unworthy.

Epiphany – “Healing is as ugly as Healed is beautiful”, Danielle LaPorte.  I began the healing process four years ago now. I’m feeling just about as ugly as I can. Scattered. Untethered. Unsure of what to do next. Emotionally all over the place but where I “should” be.  But I am healing. So there’s that.

Please, bear with me a little longer. Please forgive me. Please breathe. We’re going to get through this and we will be better for it. Thank you, I love you.

Dana

This Morning’s Prayer

So the hate train has pulled into the station and its occupants are poised to be in power for a minute. Those of us being hated feel some modicum of fear. I get that. I also get that in order to become really good at something, “you have to get terrible out of the way.” In other words, you have to do something badly often enough that you get to a point where you’re not so bad. “Practice makes perfect” provided you’re paying attention and learning from your mistakes. Eventually, you’re going to get good.

Our country (well, let’s be honest, humanity as a whole), isn’t so good at inclusion, acceptance, managing fear, or governing its self. Each go round, as in each generation, we have our moments of suckage. Of truly terrible. But with each generation, we managed to learn a little something and suck a little less. The changes in the right direction aren’t obvious or very noticeable in the moment, but hindsight (history) shows the baby steps.

In light of that point of view, I’m choosing to believe this latest happening is the catalyst for the next forward step toward sucking just a little less. Another baby-step forward if you will that we’ll learn from and do better at next time.

I pray the suck doesn’t come with a massive loss of life but let’s face it, human nature.  There will be bloodshed.

I continue to BE the peace, tolerance, acceptance, love, courage, and faith I want to see in the world. Amen.

be-the-change

(from top to bottom, left to right:  Ghandi, Maya Angelou, Mother Teresa, Li Yinhe, Malcom X, Malala Yousafzai, MLK Jr., Gloria Steinem)

Love,

Dana