End of the rope.

I’m finding it hard to keep caring.

You want me to do a good job, to pay attention to detail on some shit that in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t matter. Why should I give a shit when, as a Black woman in this country I have no rights. The laws in this country don’t support me, don’t protect me, and will be used against me whether I’m guilty or not. My fellow humans of the caucasion persuasion feel free to disrespect me, use and abuse me; ultimately to see me as not, quite human.

Yet I’m supposed to give a damn about my job performance? I’m supposed to care that the files are organized and color coded for ease of finding what you need. I’m supposed to do what I can to make things run smoothly when you fucking can’t even refer to me by my name. A simple act of basic respect and you can’t bring your self to do it.  Yet, I’ve got to make sure I keep up with the million and twelve emails in not just my inbox, but yours as well, and that I don’t miss a word, transpose a couple of numbers. Because that’s what’s “really important” in the grand scheme of things. Racism and misogyny are just facts of life I’ve got to ignore while being a good little consumerist in America.

And you wonder why black people end up setting shit on fire, looting, and acting out? What do you fucking expect? Peaceful protests result in assassinations, false accusations, lynching, people driving their fucking cars into crowds, and policies that target us.  When you have spent generations being dismissed, when nothing of consequence has changed, the only thing left is to throw a temper tantrum. Violent protests don’t solve shit, they just add fuel to the fire, “see that’s why y’all get shot, you don’t know how to act.” But God damn it! Nothing we do brings change. There is nothing we can do to change the inherent, built in bias that is the foundation of every policy and law on the books – from the way it’s written to the way it’s applied…there is NO regard for my life as a human on this planet, so why should I show any regard to this building, or that car; why shouldn’t I take this opportunity to grab shit I want that I’ve been indirectly told that I’m not worthy of having? Why should I keep bowing my head, showing respect, taking the ever loving, fucking HIGH road when NOTHING EVER CHANGES?

No matter how many degrees we earn, high paying jobs we have, political positions we hold, or peaceful protests we conduct. People’s minds won’t change. People who kill unarmed black people won’t be tried AND convicted for murder. Black folk will still suffer stiffer sentences, receive less leniency or consideration for whatever ‘crime’ they commit. Hell, just sitting in your own house / apartment can get you killed.

What. The FUCK. Is the point? Not going to lie, I’m afraid to die but on days like this, I truly wonder if it wouldn’t be better…

Sigh. I shouldn’t have clicked play…