…and there’s no one to mourn, will it still make a sound?
It’s that kind of morning. I woke with the usual swirl of thoughts, ideas, and contemplations. What stayed with me were the following.
I am a Dragon. We’ve covered that in a couple of other posts (click HERE, and HERE). This morning, I realized that I have also been quite the shape-shifter; burying my Dragon-ness to be what others needed/wanted/expected me to be.
I had (so-called) friends who needed me to be the insecure one, the broke one, the ugly one, the slutty one, so they in turn could be the rich one, the cute – desirable one, the good girl.
In my youth, for the family dynamics to flow, I was the work horse, the “whipping boy” – I feel as if I was the heavy lifter in terms of the emotions in that I wasn’t allowed to just break down. I had to stay unbothered by the trials and tribulations while others were allowed to cry, be tired, drained, or just check-out of the situation – I was Spock to my sister’s Kirk, and my mother’s Uhura.
The males in my life…well, this brings us back to the Unicorn analogy. They may have, at first, been attracted to the Dragon in me, but over time, it became clear that they expected me to morph into the Unicorn. I was to be docile, accepting, accommodating, and the soft place to land when hearts were broken by the true Unicorns they chased.
My daughter? Well, during her formative years, I wasn’t sure who I was and she was too young to express through words or actions, who / how she needed me to be beyond the basics – food, shelter, clothing, and fun. There are so many ways I feel I failed her as a parent. I think despite my short comings, she settled into her true identity well before I did which allowed us to form a strong, emotionally supportive relationship (thank goodness) that gives us room to be ourselves while still filling roles as mother and daughter. We’re able to value and connect from our core selves.
So, as all of that was circling, an image of me at the beach came into view. I am sitting on a comfortably padded lounger, large umbrella shading my upper body from the sun. My legs are out so I can tan up – my winter white is showing right now, and it is not a good look. Anyway, one of the males in question calls me to wish me a happy birthday. He asks, “what are you doing?” And my response is, “sitting by the beach having fatal thoughts of suicide; contemplating life and death.” He doesn’t quite know what to make of that and I fill the awkward silence with a monologue I’ve since forgotten the exact words since I sat down to make this post – happens quite frequently. I’ll be just about to fall asleep or just waking up and the most brilliant stories, plots, turns of phrase skip through my mind only to disappear when I sit down to write.
Anywho – the gist of the monologue was, “Although you have, on occasion, asked me how I was, you really didn’t care to know for sure. Any time I responded with something other than fine, your words and actions made it clear you weren’t interested. You’ve never been interested or invested in getting to know ME.”
And then the vision drifted and I was left with the concepts that started this post. If I were to die, of natural causes, or by my own hand, I don’t know that people would miss ME.
The roles I play are easily filled if you go by the how quickly I have been discarded / replaced in people’s lives through out my backstory. Especially now as my shape-shifting abilities dwindle. People through out my life have easily found other things and people to befriend, date, etc. I don’t know of anyone who has enjoyed and who would miss the quirky parts that are key to who I am at my core.
My writing, my sense of humor (as off as it can be); my eclectic taste in movies, books, and fashion or my love for fast cars, motor cycles (although I know jack-shit about engines), and travel. Or how about my take on politics, religion, and poetry? My spiritual beliefs…how certain sounds have a clearly physical effect on me. My fear of death.
I connect to people whose thoughts, processes, and interests I find to be provocative, and in tune with my core values. It’s these aspects of a person I fall in love with. And ultimately, it’s what I miss when they’re gone. I miss the way they are in the world, not what they did for me…but I don’t get the impression that’s how people have connected with me. It’s more about what I can do for them – mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically.
Okay, I’ve once again stilled the word-nado in my head.
As always, thanks for stopping by. Hope you and your loved ones are well.
Sending love, and light…