That Awkward Stage – Mid Life, WTF -Part deux.

I’m in that awkward stage where I’m between sizes again. Happened to me when I was in junior high. Puberty hit me in the head and I was suddenly to big to fit clothes that were age appropriate – a.k.a. fashionable for kids my age. Consequently, I ended up wearing boys clothes a lot. I could find jeans that were actually long enough for me, shirts that fit across my shoulders and boobs comfortably without being way tight and super low-cut. I actually didn’t mind so much as I was quite the tom-boy and being unable to find dresses, skirts, and other girly crap in my size was a blessing.

But now, here I am. A grow’d up and life has once again tossed me in the ‘tween stage. Too small for clothes that are supposedly age appropriate (have you seen the stuff in the women’s sections of most department stores? I am NOT ready for the elastic waist bands and polyester) and too big for everything else.

Thankfully (and about freakin’ time) women’s clothing in sizes above a 14 have come a long way. But when it comes to sizes 16 (1X) and above, I find I’ve got too many inches in the wrong places and not enough inches in the other places for a size 16 to look good on me. And don’t get me started on pant or short lengths. Pants in particular don’t seem to come in a length that works for me. When (IF) I can find a pair that fit my curves, the hems stop above my ankles. o_0.  Not a good look for me, regardless of what’s hot in fashion. On the flip side, if they’re long enough, then they tend to be cut for that rare human who was born with no discernible difference between how wide her hips and waist are. In other words, If they’re wide enough to get over my hips, I end up with an opening around my waist big enough to tuck all kinds of things, like my entire collection of  Stephen King hardback books, for example. Oh, and the shorts?  Who determines the lengths on these things? I do not wish to walk around in what amounts to denim underwear with the bottom half of my butt cheeks showing. I’ve never thought that was a good look no matter who was wearing it. Oh to find a pair or two that weren’t so tight the leg openings cut off circulation to my legs, but then weren’t so loose that the constant rubbing of my thighs as I walk wouldn’t have the leg openings rolling up to my crotch. Again, not a good look.

It’s about to get hot out which means I’m going to be sweating like a demon on holy ground (thanks dad for leaving me your sweat glands as well as the male pattern baldness and that weird knot behind my ear). Having finally gotten around to tentatively accepting my body as it is I was looking forward to wearing clothes I wanted to wear without fear of being body shamed. I was excited to step out in some cute shorts (that covered all of my rear expanse both horizontally and vertically), some cute tops (that attractively covered the back fat not enhanced it), and some flirty sun dresses that fell in flattering waves over my, uh, age acquired poofiness. But I’ll be pooped if I can find anything that fits. I’ve decided to forgo looking for affordable as that ship sailed when I was born – just why do women’s clothes cost so dang much?!!

And before you suggest any online clothing spots, unless they do free returns and timely credits back to my actual account versus exchanges only, don’t bother. Having done some shopping online, I know that over fifty-percent of what I buy won’t fit and will have to be returned. Most places I’ve seen only offer an exchange program or credit toward your next purchase. If I can’t get my money back, there’s no point in me making the attempt.

Sigh. Again, this growing up thing is just, giphy

But I suppose it’s better than the alternative. So, time to celebrate being this side of the daisies and making the best of the situation.  Anyone know of any nice nudist colonies in the area?  😉

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