Just so you know, I’m not avoiding you, I’m just having a “moment”

January is a “trigger” month.  Instead of a smell, taste or sound, I have whole months which trigger me into subconscious behavior.  My trigger months these days are November, January and February.  Used to be that they’d come and I wasn’t consciously aware of how altered my behavior was; I’d be going along thinking I was  okay, but suddenly there’d be no money in the bank, bills would be scattered and forgotten about, my alcohol consumption would double and I’d find myself in situations that were less than ideal.   Six days in and I realize I’ve been feeling sad, withdrawn.  I can’t seem to shake the lingering symptoms of a flu bug that jumped me right before Christmas.  I’m reliving the emotional break down of three years ago (Good grief, it’s been three years already?!!) as if it were happening today; my head’s been hurting in varying degrees since the 2nd, I tear up without warning, and I’m craving affection (human or furry – I just have this overwhelming need to be hugged, snuggled, cuddled, soothed, consoled) more so than usual.  All of these are just the physical manifestations of that three-year old experience.

My journey to better self-care opened my awareness so I’m  more in tune with my triggers – more aware of the effect they have on me and for the first time, I’ve actually come into this one spotting the signs early enough so as to not be completely blindsided and derailed from my path.   November was bad and I didn’t realize it until the dust had settled, the hangover abated and the bill collectors started calling.  It freaks me out how subversive the self-destruct command is.  And even with the strides I’d made in healing my self-esteem,  I managed to execute the command to perfection, setting myself back quite a bit.  My new insight has at least kept me from compounding the above list of “ailments”.  I’ve managed to survive three opportunities to self destruct with my bank account, liver, and esteem in tact.  But there’s still so much more month left to go.  To keep ahead of the potential explosions, there’s going to be a lot of just sitting still  acknowledging how I feel and putting how I DESIRE to feel in the forefront of my mind.  Decisions have to be carefully weighed and impulses set aside to marinate.  

January is a big month for most – resolutions / goals to be set, determination and motivation are at their peak, and folks are ready to tackle the new year with courage and conviction.  I urge you to take a minute to consciously review the last year – were there goals you fell way short on?  Important activities or “to-dos” that you spaced out completely? Were there drastic, inexplicable, changes to your mood or energy? Write them down and look for what your triggers might have been.  Look for patterns so that you can move into a more conscious awareness of your self-destruct command.   As you identify them, you can put more support in place to reduce their effects.

The big lesson for today is: Live more consciously.

This month’s homework:

  • Pay closer attention to intentions, desired feelings.
  • Stop, be still, listen, THEN act whenever possible.
  • Feel.

Yeah, that should do it for January.  No need in overwhelming myself so soon into the year.  If you’re on a transformative journey of your own – how’s it going? What lesson(s) have you learned already? What assignments have you put into place?


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