Who Am I Really?

Hi.  My name is…and here’s where I get nervous.  You see, my early childhood was marked by a fairy tale beginning – you know the kind where the poor heroine is outcast, left alone in the world with no one to care for her.  At least that’s how it felt.  Truth was, my parents separated the year I turned seven.  My mom, sister and I moved from Lakenheath AFB in Suffolk, UK to Denver, Colorado (USA).  Culture shock would aptly describe some of what I went through my first few months in school.  I was teased, bullied, etc. Broken home, no father figure, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I turned all of that into my personal story of woe-is-me.  A story I’m sad to say I’ve used to define me for 40 years.  I want to turn my Divine given passion for writing creative fiction to better use by rewriting my own story, and thus redefine WHO I AM.  But I’m not sure how to do that.  I have the ability to take dramatic license with a lot of my life’s experiences – all of my books are fictionalized, dramatized, accounts of things that have happened to me, but that’s the only way I know to do it; dress up what happened, but not WHO I AM.   I don’t know how to take real life and rewrite it, as well, real life.

I was named after my father.  I’m forty-six years old, divorced, single, and a mother of a twenty year old.   I have emotions that I don’t often show, but very deeply feel.  Often this leads to confusion in others because I come across as cold and unemotional.  I prefer to see myself as good in a crisis in that while others are caught in the throes of emotional outbursts, I’m able to carry out basic functions that see me through whatever the drama or crisis may be.  I panic AFTER something happens, once I know it’s safe to fall apart.  Alone.  I can count the number of times friends have seen or heard me cry, on one hand.

I am an empath in that I register the moods or feelings of others. I respond on a subconscious level, meaning other’s moods quite often alter my own.  In that respect I am a human chameleon.  Because these mood changes happen so subtly, I often find myself depressed for no discernible reason. At that time, I go into protective mode and hibernate.  I use that time to restore my other ability and that is to see and believe in the impossible; to find the positive potential in whomever or whatever I come across in my day-to-day.

I spend more than I make.  Not on lavish items, or attempts to keep up with the Jones’ (or whichever reality — FAKE — family is making headlines), I just tend to have more expenses than I have money.  For example, I fell and amassed a few hundred dollars in medical expenses that I didn’t have savings for.  Otherwise, I tend to live simply.  I don’t need much to feel content and happy.  I am forgetful and easily distracted.

But who am I, really?  I’m more than my past experiences. I am a daring, somewhat inquisitive kid in an adult body.  I am kind, open minded, and for the most part, non-judgmental. I am an introvert.  I am cautious with my trust. I am passionate. I am impulsive and impatient with myself. I am creative, imaginative and that sometimes gets me in sticky situations. But because I am a survivor, I have faith I’ll come out alive.  Until I die at least. No getting around that.

That’s not the whole story of course. I am ever-changing. And here’s a bit of news…you are too.  And starting in 2014, we’re going to have fun going through these changes together.  Don’t know about you, but I AM excited…


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