You caught me at an interesting time in my life.

Paraphrasing the quote of course as I don’t remember it word for word.

A friend of mine, last year, introduced me to this movie and I have to say, I’m obsessed to a point because it so seems to fit what’s going on in my life right now.  No, (spoiler alert) my personalities aren’t becoming so real to me that I’m running around having physical fights with myself in parking lots.  Nor am I gearing up to unleash chaos and mayhem in the streets, although with the absolute CRAZY crap going on in this country (world), a little Amazonian, female-warrior chaos might be just what the doctor ordered, but I digress.

This blog is supposed to be through the eyes or rather the words of the writer in me.  But tonight, or rather this morning, I think I’ve had the equivalent of a bullet to my head.  Actually, the shot was fired weeks ago, the after effects are just now showing up.  You see, the bullet was my aunt’s death; the part of my facade it destroyed wasn’t one of my beloved personalities, it was the walls around my emotions and feelings which had been in check all this time. The bullet blew a hole in my shield that has slowly been getting bigger and bigger.  Until here I sit unprotected.  My emotions / feelings are now so close to the surface that I am in danger of expressing them…publicly.  Something I’ve avoided since elementary school.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s okay to talk about how you feel, to show emotions, if you’re anyone but me.  I am the strong, silent type.  I turn the other cheek with the best of ’em and so rarely express my feelings verbally that I could have made Spock seem emotional.  I AM NOT the one who tells you I need or want and I avoid admitting love (an emotional state of being I still cringe at, but feel none-the-less).

I’m in a situation with some one I love and I don’t know how to help her.  I’m afraid that my inability to be warm and fuzzy out loud, may have hindered her growth in some kind of way and now, she doesn’t have the resources, the inner stuff she’ll need to survive this time in her life.  I mean, I know I’m strong, a survivor.  But the things that got me to this point weren’t present in her life (THANK GOODNESS).

During a conversation a few days ago, had to admit to myself that I’ve really mucked up so many relationships in my life because I didn’t SAY how I was feeling.

This is one of the times that my characters can’t work through this for me; no matter what I’ve tried to write tonight, this blog post is the only thing that’s flowed.  My divinity tricked me into confessing I think.  No wait, confessing isn’t the right word / phrase.  I think what my divinity is going for, is for me to finally admit that I’m not superwoman, that I too feel and its high time I quit acting like that scared little kid I was when I let the bullshit lock up my emotions / feelings to begin with.  I’m hoping this is as far as she wants me to go with this.  If she demands I actual graduate to verbalizing these things, I’m screwed.

Strangely enough though, for just a minute there, my divinity rewarded me with that elusive wash of “everything’s going to be alright” that she sometimes blesses me with when I least expect it.  I’m still worried and fear is kicking me all about the insomnia.  But underneath it is that feeling that I’m going to do the right thing, she’s going to be alright and I’ll be looking back on this post eventually, with a relieved smile.

But until then, dear reader(s), I sit vulnerable at a level I never thought I’d reach again.  There, I admitted it.  Now do you think I can finally get some sleep?

One thought on “You caught me at an interesting time in my life.

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