Inside this writer’s mind there lives…

I’d like to invite you on an unscheduled side trip to the inner workings of this writer’s mind.  Again, I do these blog posts with the intent of letting you get to know me as a writer, as well as get a free look at my writing style; the way I put words together.  My style doesn’t change much from what you read here to how my characters speak in the stories I write.  I pay as close attention to word choice, grammar, etc. here as I do in my stories.  Although, I’m more likely to step things up a notch in my stories; I want them to be more formal because I charge money for them, lol.  But seriously, I believe that if you enjoy the blogs, you’re certain to enjoy the stories. So, without further ado…

I woke this morning talking to one of my personalities.  She’s been acting way out of character since November.  As I was talking to her, the others showed up.  We had a group hug when I noticed one of them holding a baby!  My personalities are spawning?!!  What the?  Can they do that?

Anyway, I thought it would be a neat writing exercise to finally put them down in words (and pictures since I like to surf the web for cool images I can relate to).

So, for you dear reader(s).  I’d like to introduce you to the personalities within.   This might be a touch long, so no hard feelings if you don’t read it all in one sitting.

First up, the Twins – Ana Michaels & Onyx (aka Onyx Butterfly).

Ana Michaels holds the sensuality / sexual nature for all of us.  It is usually her drive that had us confusing love and lust.  She’s also the reason I promote safe sex; she wasn’t all that particular so the rest of us had to be extra careful.  It wasn’t a pretty time in our history but oh well.  I will stress though, GET TESTED and WRAP IT UP!!

Sorry. Back to why we’re here.  I used to wonder why it was that men (boys) were so comfortable asking me for sex but not wanting to date me.  Through some discussions with a good friend of mine (click here for the blog post), we deduced Ana was a woman in her late twenties, early thirties.  She attracted the younger men to us in droves.  No doubt, drawn  in by her openly erotic persona.  Hence the really young guys being so compelled to go for the sex and not the dating.  She’s aged since the growth spurt.  I believe she’s 40 years old now.  A woman comfortable in her skin, still very sexual in nature, but with maturity comes the ability to channel that energy into more productive activity.  When I talked with her this morning (yes, you read that correctly), she was sitting in a comfortable window seat, looking out at a garden of lush tropical vegetation, complete with gazebos just perfect for a courting couple to sit and share a romantic evening.  She was dressed in her usual ensemble, a lacy corset of black, garters holding thigh high, sheer stockings on her legs, and a black silk robe with her twin’s dragon emblem embroidered in gold on the back.   No shoes this time.  She was sipping from a mug of hot tea, laced with brandy.  She was calm, which is a first for her after having gone this long without any kind of sexual activity.  She smiled at me when I asked her what had changed.  She said, calmly, “I’m waiting for him.”  She said this with such sureness, as if it was inevitable that there would be a “him” worthy of her sexual fury.  I smiled back, but I have my doubts.  I’m wondering if maybe this past growth spurt has driven her insane.  We’ll see.

Onyx is Ana’s twin. You would think that because she and Ana are twins they’d be the same age, but that’s not how things work in my head.  They weren’t even born on the same day.  How they end up being twins, I don’t know.  It’s one of the stranger things that happens in my head.  I just learned to accept it.  But anyway, Onyx is and may forever stay 30 years old.  She’s always been comfortable being herself.  The rest of us have frustrated her to no end with our insecurities and hesitant behavior at times.  Onyx is our adventurous, risk taking, jump first worry about landing second, personality.  The guns, motorcycles, fast cars…yup, that’s all her.  She lead the Hit and Run lifestyle choices (that blog post is here) we had become known for.   She’s also the one who, in moments when we should be fearful, keeps the fear at bay so we can think relatively clearly.  The two times we’ve been held up (once at gun point), the times when the boyfriend wigged out and either was abusive or just left us in unfamiliar surroundings, the time we were thrown into the deep end of the pool, the time the plane dropped an unexpected few feet, etc.  She’s the one who keeps us from screaming or running panic ridden through the streets.  She too had been strangely silent since November.  But this morning, as I was talking to Ana, Onyx came out of the shadows and echoed Ana’s sentiment, “We’ll be ready for him.”

~~~~And in case you’re wondering if this is really the ramblings of drug addict or worse, I have to state that I am lucid and completely understand how bizarre this must read.  I never claimed to be sane, just not very dangerous.~~~~

Next in line, Baby, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”  LOL.  There’s a reason this is her name.  I won’t share it here because I don’t want you to come that close to knowing a personal truth.   I’ll share a lot with you in this blog, but not that one thing…

Ahem.  Okay, so Baby.  She’s the inner child psychologists talk about.  Her age fluctuates between 12 and 16.  I don’t think she’ll ever get older than that, although she was much younger when I first met her.  She lives on a tropical island (my happy place).  I go there a lot and we play on the beach, or we’ll lounge in the hammock telling each other stories and just having a good time relaxing.  We also take dragon rides – yeah, she’s got a guardian dragon.  A beautiful creature of ancient wisdom and grace.  She’s usually only there at night.  I’m guessing to keep Baby comforted and protected.  My happy place isn’t all that peaceful once the sun sets.  Dragon and various other creatures aside, there aren’t any other people on the island, at least not while I’m there.  Who knows who she populates the place with when I’m not around.  She’s got an active imagination and is the playful part of our personalities; the one who longs for the days of tree climbing, playing football in the street, and crushes on boys that didn’t end in heartache.  She doesn’t get to make decisions much these days as we seem to be caught up so in the day-to-day grown-up crap.  But every once in awhile, she takes over when I’m on the dance floor.  She loves to dance.  It’s her that allows me to do so with such wild abandon, not worried about what others might be thinking. She too seems to believe our playmate is on his way.

Cross over to the dark side and you have She Who Will Not Be Named and It.

“She” is my age and serves as my inner evil.  Hyper critical, she holds every insecurity I’ve ever had.  She is at her strongest of course, when my self-esteem is lying in the gutter.  She’s also murderously insane and why I don’t deal with anger very well.  Her first inclination when we’re angry is to kill the thing that angered us; she’d be a trigger happy addition to the Snapped profiles if I let her.  I’ve hesitated to own a gun because of her.  Fortunately, the positivity challenge (click here for challenge details) has kept her in the shadows.  But I imagine she’ll always be there.  I’ve learned to hug her when she’s giving me grief.  Takes the wind out of her sails pretty quickly because ultimately, that’s all she wants is to be loved and accepted.  She just has the funkiest way of showing it, as I think is the case with most bullies who still have a shred of humanity.

“It” is my biggest fear.  In the shape of a spider (of course), “It” represents the void I’m afraid waits for me when I die.  I won’t be conscious, I won’t have feeling, or be able to write, once I’m dead.  ARGH.  “It” doesn’t purposely want to scare me.  In fact, there isn’t any malevolence in her, at least none that I can sense.  But I am so (almost typed ‘deathly’, lol) afraid of her.  There are times when I am struck numb with the fear.  I’ve taken steps to make peace with “It”.  Gotten to the point where having her(?) show up at the periodic personality meetings (yes, they have them, stop laughing), doesn’t make me want to cry.  I’ve even talked to her once or twice.  She’s shrunk in size I noticed.  No longer the gargantuan eight legged beastie she was when I first recognized her, she’s down to the size of an SUV (her body anyway, the legs are still….ugh.)  She doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to rush our getting to know each other and for that I’m grateful.  She was at this morning’s group hug.  She knows not to touch me and she always stands (do spiders stand?) where I can see her.  I appreciate that as well.  Anyway, from her position just outside the circle sent some good vibes to us all.

I’m leaving out my Muse for now.  He’s the only male allowed in my head and his introduction is rated NC-17.  If you really want to know about him, let me know.  Otherwise, I’ll just leave you with this, he’s hot and insatiable.  LOL

The baby I saw this morning remains a mystery (could it be my Muse has been cavorting with the personalities?).  She Who Will Not Be Named had it in her arms.  I’m not sure if it was a boy or a girl.  I’m hoping it was a girl.  Just a personal bias.  Either way, I have no idea who this newest addition is or what she represents.

My psyche is a weird and wondrous place for sure.  Hope you enjoyed your visit.